anxiety, devotional, encouragement, lessons learned, midlife faith

The Mask of Social Media Perfection: Mask Series #2

We all do it. We all post picture-perfect family gatherings, gourmet meals, and clean kitchens. 

But what lies behind the mask of perfection is the fear that our imperfections will lead to rejection.

Somehow, this social media craze has created the idea that only perfect people can be happy or that only perfect people can have friends.

But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the more we compare our imperfect lives with the perfection seen on social media, the more disenchanted we become with the blessings God has already bestowed on us. And the more we close off opportunities for true connections with other imperfect people. 

Lasting happiness doesn’t come from the one family photo when everyone’s smiling in their color-matched outfits. It comes from knowing our families are there to support us through thick and through thin. Pictures don’t capture the messy middle that’s real life, but we need to learn to find happiness in real life even when it’s not perfect. Somehow we’re afraid that if anyone saw what our families looked like and acted like behind closed doors that we’d be called out as frauds.

Sure, it’s fun to use those nifty filters to make our ordinary dinners look more delicious, but behind the mask of Insta-worthy plates lies the loneliness of a table set for one. And we would be horrified if our friends knew that on the nights we didn’t post the perfectly plated meals we ate frozen pizza, cereal, and ice cream straight out of the container. 

Somehow we’ve come to the conclusion that if our kitchens aren’t spotless, we can’t be hospitable. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Our friends need to know they’re welcome in our homes no matter how many dishes are in the sink. True friendships thrive when we know we can call a friend at 10 p.m. and ask to sleep on their couch that night. True friendships thrive when we open our doors to the neighbor for coffee even though there are toys all over the living room floor. 

The biggest lie we’ve bought into with our perfect social media posts, though, is that only perfect people can find true connections. The truth of the matter is that true connections flourish when we share our imperfections, thus inviting others to share their imperfections. 

The façade of social media fosters nothing but the danger and damage of comparison. But the openness of truthful imperfections invites what we’re all really seeking behind our masks—true connections.

So be encouraged to take off the mask of social media perfection and seek the happiness of imperfection.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25 ESV

What’s one way you can find happiness in your imperfections to connect with others this week? Drop a comment below or shoot me an email. I’d love to hear from you!

devotional, healing, lessons learned, midlife faith, reinventing

Crew: Anchor Series #4

praying in church

Who’s your crew? You know, your people, your tribe, your group. 

A large ship can’t sail with just a captain; it needs a crew, and everyone needs to do his or her job well. Real life is the same; we are not meant to do everything—literally or metaphorically—ourselves. God created us with a rich diversity of talents and personalities for a reason. As the poet John Donne observed 400 years ago:

No man is an island,
entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the continent,
a part of the main. 

I’m convinced that one of the worst ailments of humankind is loneliness. I’m not talking about living alone during a pandemic although that’s no fun. I’m not even talking about wishing you saw friends and family more often because sometimes that can feel like you’re the fifth wheel in a coupled-up world.  

I’m talking about that core feeling of aloneness even when you’re surrounded by people. I’m talking about feeling like no one understands what you’re going through. I mean feeling like friends already have too much on their plates to handle your issues too. That’s the worst feeling in the world. 

We need to build a group of people we can trust—our own crew community. If the recent quarantines have shown us anything, it’s this. Sure, people often say the wrong thing. Forgive them and look at their intentions instead of hyper focusing on the unintentional hurt.  

Be sure you show up for others. If you don’t know what to say, sling an arm around her shoulder. Pray for her—right there with her. Nothing takes away the sting of loneliness like hearing someone pray specifically for you by name. 

Canva - Women Having A ConversationAnother aspect of the crew community is that we were not meant to do everything ourselves. We have different talents and interests, and that makes the world a more beautiful place. How boring would life be if everyone were soccer players and there were no orchestras!

We will become frustrated if we try to take on others’ jobs ourselves. No matter how hard I tried and desired to take care of my leaky kitchen faucet, all I managed to do was strew useless tools and parts over my counter. We need other people. Let’s stop pretending we don’t. 

A community is an integral part of spiritual growth as well: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10L:24-25 ESV

We need each other for encouragement, for advice, for comfort, for plumbing problems, for all kinds of things!

I won’t pretend it’s not hard to be a friend and/or to have a friend. It is. And we have to live intentionally, but, oh, sweet friend, it is so worth it! During this time-that-shall-not-be-named, it’s even more important to seek out our crew. Although our times of community may not look the way we want them to right now, we can still be intentional about helping others and accepting help when we need it. 

“Healthy spiritual growth requires the presence of the other—the brother, the sister, the pastor, the teacher. A private, proudly isolated life cannot grow. The two or three who gather together in Christ’s name keep each other sane. Spiritual growth cannot take place in isolation. It is not a private thing.” —Eugene Peterson

Don’t we all wish those moments of smooth sailing would last forever? But since they don’t, we’d best be prepared with an anchor to drop at a moment’s notice. Get your navigation, communication, and crew in order for the coming storms!

Remember to subscribe for a FREE “4 Simple Steps to Finding Jesus in the Storm” pdf AND a printable with 9 Bible verses on peace to post where you need it most.

Drop me a line to let me know your best tips for connecting with your crew!

change, lessons learned, midlife faith

Authenticity

Many years ago, I had a close friend. Our kids played together. We worshiped together. We complained about our husbands together. We homeschooled together. We had coffee together. I thought we were best friends.

Then she started pulling back. She didn’t always answer her phone when I called. She started being busy when I tried to plan coffee dates. The real blow came when she and another friend went on a trip and didn’t invite me. We had been talking for several months about it, but hadn’t settled on a date. At least not that I knew about. I was crushed.

She refused to tell me what was going on. Our friendship quietly dissolved.

Years later, she told me why. One of her children was developmentally disabled and didn’t keep up with the same milestones that my same-age child did. Her husband was not saved and refused to attend church; mine was the youth pastor. She felt that her life was inferior to mine.

I was flabbergasted, but I learned a valuable lesson. True, deep friendship cannot flourish without true authenticity. 

If only I had told her that my marriage was also far from perfect: the youth pastor had a serious addiction to pornography that deeply affected our marriage and my own feelings of worth. The child who appeared to be academically advanced for her age had ADD, and I eventually found myself unable to homeschool her for several years because of it.

My pride and natural reserve kept me from enjoying and benefitting from sharing life with a valued friend.

Iron sharpens iron,
    and one [wo]man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)

We always kind of wonder how people could really love someone (like ourselves) who is such a hot mess. But here’s the thing, when we open up about our hot messes, when we invite others into our less-than-perfect spaces, we invite others into a shared authentic space.

It’s in that shared authentic space that true love (romantic or filial) and connection blossom. We feel true communion when someone says, “Me too.” Friendship can’t grow in the sterile environment of perfectionism. 

A [wo]man who has friends must [her]self be friendly,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24 (NKJV)

Do you need to make an adjustment in any of your relationships?  I might need to make a few more changes myself.