Tag: relationships

encouragement, healing, lessons learned, midlife faith

Sticky and Sweet: Church Relationships

Bethany LaShell

“It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.” Although Charles Dickens was referring to mid 19th-century England, I suspect many of us could say the same about our relationships within the organized church.

We all know that the church should be a refuge, a hospital for sinners and the weary, yet we are sometimes met by stabbing saints instead of singing saints. Looking for sweet fellowship, we often get mired down in the stickiness of life.

One thing I’ve discovered is that there are no perfect churches; however, we can’t equate God’s church with God’s character. The church is people, and people aren’t perfect. 

But don’t give in to the temptation to give up on church completely just because of a few bad experiences. It’s tempting. Trust me, I know. So, why should we keep attending church even when we’re doubting?

God desires us to be sanctified. Part of that ongoing process involves the church. I think we sometimes forget that. God calls us to be holy as he is holy, but it’s a process. 

The purpose of the church body is to help and encourage each other, not to rip each other to shreds. 

A dishonest [wo]man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.

Proverbs 16:28

Looking for some guidelines on how to make sure you’re acting like a model church member? Look no further than the apostle Paul’s epistles to the New Testament churches. You’ll discover that there really is nothing new under the sun! Here’s a synopsis of the high points: 

  • Worry about yourself first. Don’t criticize others, especially those in leadership. 
  • Major on the majors (doctrine, right treatment of people) and minor on the minors (don’t let your contentiousness over the color of the carpet drive someone away from the church—true story). 
  • Don’t cover up sin or abuse, but tread carefully and biblically when dealing with it. I have so much more to say on this topic, but that’s for another time.
  • Be kind. Be loving. 
  • Be involved. Don’t criticize the way people do things unless you’re willing to jump in and help. And even then hold your tongue.
  • Instead of focusing on the splinter in your sister’s eye, focus on the log in yours (Matthew 7:1-4). Focus on building up your fellow saints instead. Your local church body will be better for it.
  • Filter your words before they fly out of your mouth or off your fingertips. 
  • Don’t participate in gossip. While no one will deny that there are problems in the church, and church leaders are falling like flies, gossip only makes it worse. And don’t try to disguise your juicy news as a prayer request. We’re onto you, sister!

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29

Let’s focus on the sweetness of fellowship with believing sisters in the church. What’s one thing you can focus on this week to help foster positive relationships within the body of Christ? Leave me a comment (or email me back) and let me know!

change, encouragement, medical issues, midlife faith

Role Reversal—Caring for Our Caretakers

Bethany LaShell

“I know what you need! A sticker chart,” I exclaimed!

My mum had just come home from her first knee surgery and was struggling with her physical therapy exercises. I hadn’t homeschooled for 14 years for nothing. I printed up a little chart, dug up some stickers, and she was as motivated as a toddler using the potty for M&M’s!

Part of the circle of life is that as we reach middle age, our parents reach the age when they need us to care for them. That can be both a privilege and a burden, but I think the right mindset can make all the difference.

Even if we are not in a position to physically care for our parents or grandparents, we are still called to show our elders honor and respect. Yes, even if our parents don’t respect or honor us. But that’s a different article.

Honor your father and mother.

Ephesians 6:2

We are commanded in both the Old and New Testaments to honor our parents (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1-2). Young children living under the care and protection of their parents are definitely supposed to obey their parents, but what about children in their 20s or even 50s? 

Adult children do not owe parents obedience, but they do owe them honor and respect (and regular phone calls). The Old Testament Law as summarized by Jesus in Matthew 22:35-40 is to love God and love people; therefore, my honoring my parents is inspired by love, not bound by legalism or fear. As an adult child, my job is to hold in high regard my parents’ wishes and feelings.

So, what does that mean exactly? Respect means to give high or special regard to someone, esteem, or consideration. Honor is a similar concept but also encapsulates the idea of one whose worth brings respect or special recognition. I submit that our parents, by virtue of that office alone, are worthy of our respect and honor and reverence.

Families are the building blocks of the stability of society. Disregard for the feelings and values of our elders is the first step on the slippery slope of disregard for the value of the lives of the elderly and other vulnerable populations in general, as discussed in this recent article in The Atlantic older people and COVID.

We must value people purely on the basis of their humanity—not their contributions to society—or we lose our own humanity.

We all go through seasons of life—first we’re helpless babes, being cared for by our parents. Then we’re fairly independent, but if you’re anything like me, we still rely on our parents for advice and to bail us out now and again. Then we become parents and caretakers ourselves. Eventually, we find ourselves sandwiched in between texting our kids NOT to microwave the whole turkey and at the same time sitting in the waiting room while our parents are receiving needed health care. But what never changes is our responsibility to love and honor those God has placed in our lives (by birth or by choice). 

Our job as women of faith living life in the middle is to be a voice for the voiceless—old or young—and an advocate for the helpless. 

How are you honoring the elders God has placed in your life? Please share, so we can gain inspiration from each other! I’ll just be over here putting stickers on a chart every time my mother completes a set of knee exercises.

anxiety, encouragement, healing, lessons learned, midlife faith

The Mask of Political Correctness

Bethany LaShell

Behind the mask of political correctness lies a divisiveness—even among Christians—not seen in our country for many years. While we pray for healing in our land, how do we remain friends with those on the opposite side of the fence, whether that fence is political, economic, social, or religious?

By being so focused on trying to be politically correct, we’ve become socially incorrect! In trying not to offend anyone, we offend so many more people!  

Somehow, we’ve turned into an angry mob that thinks it’s ok to scream and yell our every thought from the street corners and from social media platforms. In doing so, we’ve alienated even those we love.

I could give the all-inclusive exhortation:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

Instead, let’s talk about what to do if you’re on the receiving end of a friend or family member’s tirade that goes against your views or grieves your soul. How do you maintain that relationship? Should you? How do you separate a person’s political/economic/social/religious views from the person herself?

It’s not easy! First of all, pray! Give your heartache over to the Lord. He knows all about betrayal and abandonment (Simon Isacriot, anyone?). 

Then, if the other person holds an immoral or unethical position, gently share the biblical position with her. She may not receive it, but you have done what you could. Then drop it and don’t harp on your position any more.

Here are some other considerations and actions you can take:

  1. How important is the relationship to you? Is it worth preserving? 
  2. Listen actively to understand, not to give an answer. Listen with an open mind—you may learn something. On the flip side, be sure you know what and why you hold to your beliefs. Get to the heart of the matter that’s separating you. 
  3. Don’t take it personally. I know, I know. I’m the pot calling the kettle black! But chances are, your friend is not attacking you but rather is desiring to prove her rightness.
  4. Set boundaries. 
    1. Block posts from groups that upset your equilibrium on social media. 
    2. Unfollow someone for 30 days (they’ll never know, and it’ll give you time to breathe and decide whether you want to keep seeing her posts after that).
    3. Don’t engage in public debates on social media! Those debates tend to take on a life of their own and involve half of your friend list. 
    4. If needed, set a time limit on how often or how long you’re willing to engage in face-to-face discussions.
    5. Have a go-to phrase to signal the end of the discussion, such as “Well, we aren’t going to solve the world’s problems today, so let’s set this aside and focus on something happier.”
    6. If you can’t meet at Starbucks without getting offended by something she says, become less available for a meeting.
  5. Let go of the notion of being right. You may, indeed, be right according to Scripture, but if you insist on winning every argument, you will lose your relationships; however, it is possible to give facts and evidence occasionally in response without attacking the person or destroying a relationship. 

How do I know, first of all, how difficult it is to separate the person from her beliefs, and, second of all, how difficult it is to truly love someone in spite of her contrary views? Someone very close to me has become increasingly vocal about a value that is completely contrary to Scriptures. I understand, sweet friend, and I’m praying for you.

How can I pray for you during this difficult time? Let me know!