Category: medical issues

change, encouragement, medical issues, midlife faith

Role Reversal—Caring for Our Caretakers

Bethany LaShell

“I know what you need! A sticker chart,” I exclaimed!

My mum had just come home from her first knee surgery and was struggling with her physical therapy exercises. I hadn’t homeschooled for 14 years for nothing. I printed up a little chart, dug up some stickers, and she was as motivated as a toddler using the potty for M&M’s!

Part of the circle of life is that as we reach middle age, our parents reach the age when they need us to care for them. That can be both a privilege and a burden, but I think the right mindset can make all the difference.

Even if we are not in a position to physically care for our parents or grandparents, we are still called to show our elders honor and respect. Yes, even if our parents don’t respect or honor us. But that’s a different article.

Honor your father and mother.

Ephesians 6:2

We are commanded in both the Old and New Testaments to honor our parents (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1-2). Young children living under the care and protection of their parents are definitely supposed to obey their parents, but what about children in their 20s or even 50s? 

Adult children do not owe parents obedience, but they do owe them honor and respect (and regular phone calls). The Old Testament Law as summarized by Jesus in Matthew 22:35-40 is to love God and love people; therefore, my honoring my parents is inspired by love, not bound by legalism or fear. As an adult child, my job is to hold in high regard my parents’ wishes and feelings.

So, what does that mean exactly? Respect means to give high or special regard to someone, esteem, or consideration. Honor is a similar concept but also encapsulates the idea of one whose worth brings respect or special recognition. I submit that our parents, by virtue of that office alone, are worthy of our respect and honor and reverence.

Families are the building blocks of the stability of society. Disregard for the feelings and values of our elders is the first step on the slippery slope of disregard for the value of the lives of the elderly and other vulnerable populations in general, as discussed in this recent article in The Atlantic older people and COVID.

We must value people purely on the basis of their humanity—not their contributions to society—or we lose our own humanity.

We all go through seasons of life—first we’re helpless babes, being cared for by our parents. Then we’re fairly independent, but if you’re anything like me, we still rely on our parents for advice and to bail us out now and again. Then we become parents and caretakers ourselves. Eventually, we find ourselves sandwiched in between texting our kids NOT to microwave the whole turkey and at the same time sitting in the waiting room while our parents are receiving needed health care. But what never changes is our responsibility to love and honor those God has placed in our lives (by birth or by choice). 

Our job as women of faith living life in the middle is to be a voice for the voiceless—old or young—and an advocate for the helpless. 

How are you honoring the elders God has placed in your life? Please share, so we can gain inspiration from each other! I’ll just be over here putting stickers on a chart every time my mother completes a set of knee exercises.

change, devotional, healing, lessons learned, medical issues, midlife faith, reinventing

Behind the Mask of Health Mania

Bethany LaShell

As we begin a new year, we often make goals or resolutions to improve our physical health—lose weight, exercise more, eat better, cook at home more, cut out sugar, etc. But we often forget about those goals before the end of the month. While there’s nothing wrong with improving our physical health and nothing wrong with making goals or resolutions, perhaps we’d be better served by focusing on the state of our souls.

It’s all too easy to hide the state of our souls behind the state of our physical bodies. Many overly health-conscious people hide the imperfections of their souls behind the perfection of their physical bodies. We obsess over counting points and steps while neglecting our daily devotions. (Just me? I thought not.) We preen in front of the dressing room mirrors while gossiping behind closed doors. 

While we are definitely called to take care of our physical bodies as the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6), we are not called to make idols of them. Sin takes a good thing and makes it the only thing; at the same time, Christians tend to take a worldly thing and give it a spiritual spin. 

For example, the premise of Daniel Fast is to eat just vegetables in order to lose weight; however, the actual reason Daniel chose to eat only vegetables was so as not to “defile himself with the king’s food, or with the wine that he drank” (Daniel 1:8 ESV). As a result of following their convictions to remain pure, God gave them favor so that Daniel and his friends were “better in appearance and fatter in flesh” than their counterparts (Daniel 1:15 ESV). 

What we see here and in other Scriptures is that being what we would call overweight or fat meant having enough food to eat during biblical times. Obviously overeating is considered gluttonous, but as in all things, balance is the key.

Another biblical principle concerning our physical bodies that often gets taken to extremes is the concept of athletic training. The apostle Paul often uses the importance of physical training to emphasize the importance of spiritual training. For instance, he talks about how only one person will win a race even though many people will train and participate in it. So, we are encouraged to run in such a way as to win. Of course, the point is to run our spiritual race in such a way as to win an “imperishable” wreath or crown (1 Corinthians 9:25). 

Along with the extreme of doing our utmost to win the prize, what can happen when we idealize perfection too much? We put down those who can’t achieve it, and they somehow become less than. Instead of embracing all people and abilities as God’s unique creations, we revile them and leave them in our dust. 

So our aim should be working to become more Christlike instead of focusing only on physical fitness: “while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way” (1 Timothy 4:8 ESV).

Another aspect of physical training taken to the extreme is exhaustion. Behind the mask of achievement and success lies a tired body with multiple invisible problems. We go and go and go while neglecting the rest our bodies need because our culture sees rest as laziness. But God designed us with a need for regular rest! Our need to be always on the go leads to drive-thru dinners several times a week that do not provide our bodies with the nourishment they need.

What’s the cure? When we’re so worn out that we don’t know what to do, Jesus invites us to exchange our burdens for his. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me … and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29 ESV).

In the end, it’s all about balance! When we’re tired or hungry or on a sugar high, we can’t focus on God. Let’s take off our masks of physical perfection and busyness, so we can focus on our spiritual well-being and ask God what our priorities should be.

Call to Action:

Read and reflect on these passages of Scripture in light of this week’s sermon.

  • 1 Corinthians 6:12-13 (ESV)—“All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be dominated by anything. Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food – and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.”
  • 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (ESV)—”Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.”
  • Ephesians 5:29 (ESV)—”For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”
  • Hebrews 4:10 ESV)—“For whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.”

Questions for Reflection:

  1. In what ways do you find yourself masking your spiritual state behind your physical state?
  2. How have you taken a good thing and turned it into the only thing, which takes the focus off properly glorifying God with it?
  3. How can you create more balance in your physical priorities this week?
  4. How can you create more time for physical and spiritual rest in order to prioritize your relationships with God and your family?

*Note: This article was originally posted on my friend Tammy’s church blog, Beyond Sundays.

anxiety, healing, medical issues

Stop the Car!

Bethany LaShell

stop signAs soon as I promised to write about real help for anxiety in my next blog post, I had a panic attack because I was afraid I couldn’t deliver. I thought to myself, what on earth was I thinking??? I don’t have any answers! I have no idea what helps me, let alone what would help others, with real anxiety issues. As I’ve just let the idea simmer in my mind for the past few weeks (oops), a few thoughts have come to me. Like all thoughts worthy of being captured in writing, these elusive impressions flit through my head while I’m driving, teaching, in the shower, or in the middle of church, which leaves me anxious that I’ll forget to say something really important. You see my dilemma?

First things first. If you’re having a full-blown panic attack, and you’re driving a car, stop driving! Seriously. Just pull off the side of the road or into a parking lot and let the panic attack finish its torrent. Don’t endanger yourself, your passengers, or other drivers. The panic will eventually subside enough for you to continue your journey. I promise.

Next, if you’ve suffered from overwhelming, debilitating anxious thoughts for more than several months in a row, consult a professional. I’m pretty sure I had a panic attack while I was dialing the phone the first time I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about my anxiety. But to my great surprise, I did not die. Actually, while I had suffered from mild, generalized anxiety pretty much my entire life, I didn’t even recognize these newer, more severe symptoms as anxiety.

We’re all guilty of self-diagnosing ourselves (WebMD anyone?), but sometimes we’re just too close to the problem to know what’s wrong. And besides, most diagnoses are best left to the professionals. Just attaching a name to my feelings, however, gave me a measure of calmness that maybe I could be treated, healed, or at least helped now that I knew what it was.

If you’ve never talked to a professional about your anxiety, start thinking about it. Ask for physician referrals from friends. Pick up the phone and make an appointment. There, don’t you feel a sense of relief now? If you want to talk to someone who’s been there—and is still there to a degree—let me know.

After I got going on writing about real help for anxiety, I wrote over 1,800 words in an hour on that topic. I guess I had more ideas than I realized. So, I decided to break them up and dole them out over a few weeks.

Next up, the Christian answer. My thoughts may surprise you.

lessons learned, medical issues

Let’s Talk about Anxiety

Bethany LaShell

Let’s talk about anxiety. I don’t mean being a little bit nervous or worried. I mean being sick to your stomach anxious. Locomotive circling the brain nonstop anxious. Blurting out irrational thoughts anxious. Can’t breathe anxious. Can’t hold a cup of relaxing lavender tea without spilling anxious. Racing heartbeat anxious.

According to Dictionary.com, anxiety is “distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.”

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Anxiety is an officially diagnosed chemical imbalance in the brain. When the serotonin, norepinephrine, and gaba are out of whack, a person cannot control her anxious thoughts any more than someone with a blockage in his heart can control whether/when he has a heart attack. Anxiety can also be caused by poor adrenal and/or low thyroid functions. Panic attacks, agoraphobia, PTSD, OCD, and social anxiety are all in the same family.

Sometimes people with anxiety need medical intervention—prescription or natural herbs—in order for their minds to calm enough so that they can focus enough to pray and have faith. Taking medication does not mean people don’t have faith. Medication helps to heal people’s chemical imbalances and calm racing thoughts just as a stent in an artery prevents another heart attack.

How do you know the difference between sinful worry and medical anxiety? Talk to a professional; don’t try to diagnose yourself. Here’s my definition of the difference between being a little worried (sin that can be controlled) and being medically anxious (not a sin, can’t be controlled): sinful worry is being upset about and thinking about not having enough work as an adjunct and a freelancer to pay my bills for the rest of the year. It’s wondering now about how I’m going to adjust my schedule to add more classes to the fall semester (8 months away). Medical anxiety is being unable to stop obsessing about my finances, being so overwrought about my bills that I feel sick to my stomach and can’t focus on what my kids are saying to my face. It’s the Same. Exact. Irrational. Thoughts. Over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And being incapable of stopping or changing those thoughts. It’s trying to pray, but all that comes out is Those. Same. Anxious. Irrational. Thoughts.

As long as we’re being honest here, I suffer from a medical condition called Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Occasionally I suffer from some pretty severe panic attacks. Some days are better than others although the past few months have seen a resurgence in my anxiety levels. Yes, I pray. Yes, I try to have faith. Yes, I read my Bible. Yes, I try all sorts of self-care techniques. Yes, the anxiety is still there.

If you suffer from anxiety, know that you are not alone!

Next time: Real help for anxiety.

about me, learning styles, lessons learned, medical issues, organization

Dealing with Chronic Illnesses, Part 5: Organization Helps

Bethany LaShell
I’m over at Heart of the Matter Online today. Hop on over and check out our other fabulous posts by our very talented writers.
Before y’all glare at me for suggesting more work for we who can barely manage the basics most of the time, let me assure you that being organized can help us. I promise. The end result of becoming and staying organized outweighs the effort and the time. I understand the overwhelming fatigue that comes with a chronic illness, especially if the one who’s sick is mom. However, having one or more children who have chronic illnesses is enough to sap the energy out of even the most energetic of us.
Benefits
When you feel well, take advantage of it, but try not to overdo it! When you don’t feel well, you’ve got routines, plans, and procedures in place that can just work themselves out. Obviously, the toddler is not going to feed himself breakfast, although he may try, but I’m more focused on school work and perhaps a little necessary housework.
What to organize
The question really should be, “What shouldn’t be organized?” Academics, routines, and appointments can be written down and displayed prominently for all family members to access easily. School supplies, art supplies, and toys can be in labeled containers. For those with nonreaders in the house, try using pictures instead of words, both for putting away toys and for routines.
How to keep it working
Don’t expect everything to get and stay organized with just a snap of the fingers a la Mary Poppins. Start slowly when you feel up to it. Gradually work your way towards a more organized home and a more organized routine. A little at a time, train kids to put stuff back, look at charts, and groove to routines.
Attitudes are everything
The right attitudes can go a long way towards making everyone feel more positively about homeschooling, organization, and chronic illnesses. The book of Proverbs reminds us that “A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken,” and “A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones” (15:13; 17:22 NKJV). Let’s write these encouragements out and post them on the refrigerator beside the chore charts and schedules.

homeschool, medical issues

Dealing with Chronic Illnesses, Part 4: Taking Care of the Kids

Bethany LaShell
Let’s face it: a household need a certain number of things done daily in order to run smoothly (or at least stumble along). And moms with chronic illnesses don’t always have the energy to do them. That means we often have to ask our kids (and hubbies) to step up to the plate. But what’s a mom to do when the kids resent being asked to do extra chore or being told mom can’t do something for/with them?
One of the biggest advocates for Mom’s health and kids doing chores is Dad. A father sets the tone for the whole house. If Dad plops on the sofa every night after work and asks about dinner and clean clothes when Mom is clearly not up to either, he sets up false expectations for the kiddos. On the other hand, if he willingly pitches in and encourages the children to help as well, he’s not only blessing his wife, he’s also exemplifying an attitude of servanthood.
What happens if a chronically ill mom is all your kids have ever known? That’s okay! They’ll learn how to do household chores early on. They’ll learn to be independent (in a good way). Hopefully, your kids will have extra compassion towards those who are physically weaker.
What happens if a chronically ill mom is suddenly sprung on our kids, especially if they have previously not had to do many chores? They’re in for a surprise. It’s all about expectations. In general, change leads to frustration. When a major life change like this occurs, it’s best to sit the family down and address these issues at the current level of expectation. It may be a bumpy adjustment, but don’t back down when the kids start whining about never having to do their own laundry before. They’ll adjust eventually. Promise.
Here’s what one friend had to say, “If Dad is frustrated and complaining, the children will follow suit. My husband never hesitated to clean do dishes, scrub floors, do laundry, etc., when I was down with pain. He encouraged our daughters to serve similarly. There were times when my girls were frustrated (junior high/high school), but they eventually grew to appreciate all I was able to do despite my pain. Also, I feel that my chronic pain was a plus in homeschooling. I was physically unable to hover over them or spoon-feed information. They were on their own. I wrote the lesson plans, and they carried out their work without me. They learned to dig for answers and be resourceful. Community college professors said they had incredible study skills—but that’s because they had no choice but to develop those skills. It’s all good.”
It may take a few years—or more—for our children to appreciate hard work, responsibility, and serving, but it will probably happen. Proverbs 22:6 reminds us, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
How can we try to keep our children’s attitudes in check?
·         Model servitude
·         Model a good attitude
·         Don’t ask them to perform extra chores when we’re able to do them ourselves
·         Study together biblical examples of people serving others
·         Be patient when they are frustrated and unhappy, but don’t feed into it
·         Encourage them to snuggle in bed with you to talk
·         Let them express their frustrations in an appropriate way
How can we make sure our kids know that we appreciate them and the sacrifices they’re making on our behalf (at least in their minds)?
·         Say thank you. A lot
·         Spend time with them on their terms when we’re able
·         Say yes when possible
·         Take them on special outings when possible
·         Give them little, unexpected treats just because
·         Make an effort to ask someone else to take the teens on field trips and other outings
·         Give hugs and kisses
·         Write them thank you notes for special (or even regular) acts of service
·         Let them hear you praising their actions to others
Of course, kids and teens will be frustrated from time to time, but aren’t we all? It’s that root of bitterness that we have to watch out for. Ephesians 4:31 admonishes, “Let all bitterness . . . be put away from you.”
Bottom line: there’s no guarantee that our kids won’t spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours stretched out on a therapist’s couch whining about their forced slavery. But there’s also no guarantee that kids who have been raised in church won’t forsake it, either. While we have no control over how our children choose to feel, I believe our number one defense against the root of bitterness in our children, especially as it concerns how our physical limitations affect them, is prayer. 

This post also appears over at Heart of the Matter today. Go check out the other fabulous contributors!

encouragement, homeschool, medical issues, planning

Dealing with Chronic Illnesses Part 3: Dreading December

Bethany LaShell
I’m over at Heart of the Matter Online today. Check out the rest of our wonderful writers!

December is my favorite month of the year because it includes my two favorite holidays: Jesus’ birthday and my birthday. I love the presents (giving as well as receiving), the wrapping, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the anticipation, the caroling, the baking, the planning, the partying—all of it. At least, December was my favorite month until I was diagnosed with two chronic illnesses that have left me overwhelmed and gasping for air with a regular schedule before even adding holiday duties. I hate that my favorite season has become a series of duties.
So, what’s a mom to do? Cancel Christmas? Not likely! Go full bore and pay a heavy health price in January? Not a good idea. How ’bout a balance that falls somewhere in the middle? The following measures can help us experience a more peaceful nativity.
Ten Steps to a dread-proof December, even with a chronic illness:
Think about what really matters. What’s at the top of your list that you just can’t give up during the holidays?
Make a list of the top five items on your what-really-matters list and brainstorm ways to make those happen this year.
Let go of the rest. Yes, I know that’s the hardest part!
Delegate everything possible. The cookies will be just as good if your 13-year-old makes them.    
Simplify the decorations, the baking, the gifts, and most of all your expectations.
Be happy with what gets done and try not to focus on what’s left undone.
Pace yourself. Don’t try to complete your entire list in one afternoon just because you start off feeling great.
Take naps.
Rest often.
Remember the real reason for the season: Jesus. Nothing else really matters.
Now, all I have to do is follow my own advice, and I can return to enjoying my favorite season instead of dreading December!

encouragement, medical issues, planning

Taking Care of Mom, Dealing with Chronic Illnesses, Part 2

Bethany LaShell
In last month’s article, “How to Bless Homeschooling Moms Who Have Chronic Illnesses,” I listed a few things that other homeschool moms could do to help a fellow mom in need. The list was hardly comprehensive, but it was a start. This month I want to address a few ways that families can bless their own moms who have chronic illnesses.
As if homeschool moms don’t feel enough guilt already about not being perfectly patient, perfectly knowledgeable, and perfectly organized, those who are chronically ill also add in a hefty dose of guilt for not always feeling well enough to participate fully in family and homeschooling life.
Younger children don’t understand why mom is on the couch—again. They don’t understand why mom can’t play tag—again. They don’t know why mom can’t pick them up—again. They just know that they’re sad because you’re sad. Younger children can still help mom feel better, though. Little chubby arms encircling mom’s neck and sloppy kisses are the best therapy. Chronically ill moms can let their kids know that the best way they can help is to dispense that kind of medicine. Mom would probably feel better with a blankie and a stuffed animal to snuggle with, too. From a very young age, children need to feel needed; we have a chance here for a win-win situation.
Older children and teens also have a difficult time understanding why they need to make dinner, watch the littler ones, and skip the youth group party when mom’s not feeling well. Oh, they may understand the words pain, limitations, and lack of energy, but they don’t get how it applies to their lives. The solution is to train them to be godly servants as Paul advocates in Philippians 2:2–4 (MSG), “Do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.” If I figure out an easy way to get this concept through a thick-skulled teenager’s brain, you’ll be the first to know. But, we’re all on the faith journey together, so maybe we need to offer up a bit of grace with our training.
Children can be trained to do just about any household chore, including cooking simple meals. Of course, as they get older, they are capable of taking on more responsibilities. The trick is to utilize the times when you’re feeling good to teach these types of skills. Rather than feeling guilty for making your children help, think of it as home economics training for their futures.
Instead of sounding like I’m preaching to the husbands, I’ll just encourage the wives to let their husbands know what they need. I will also encourage the husbands to be sensitive to their wives’ needs. There, that wasn’t too preachy, was it?
Moms, I bet you thought you were off the hook, didn’t you? Nope. How can you best take care of yourself? By letting go of the guilt. I know, I know, that’s easier said than done. Use the following Scriptures on grace to combat the guilt. “At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’ Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift” (2 Cor. 12:8–9, MSG). “But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ’s gift” (Eph. 4:7, NKJV). “But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble’” (James 4:6, NKJV). “Grow in grace and understanding of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ” (2 Pet. 3:18, MSG).
Many blessings of grace to you and yours as you struggle through homeschooling with a chronic illness.

This article also appears over at Heart of the Matter Online.